SPANX (Me?)

I was in Costco recently, my cart full and my list completely checked off, and as I headed for the sea of people checking out (when is it NOT crowded in Costco?) I spied Spanx. Isn’t this the latest version of my mother’s girdle? Except with Spanx, it includes the complete panty, which you must peel down in order to successfully complete your visit to the powder room stall—unless you opt for the cami version which you need only peel off your upper body at the end of the day. I use the word “peel” not from experience with Spanx. No, I’ve not yet succumbed to the lure of Spanx, for many reasons—need definitely is understood, but comfort and ability to wriggle myself out of this garment concerns me.

The last time I impulsively purchased a restraining garment and wore it—to an all-day function that did not allow me to change my mind—it was a girdle-like panty.

Oh, gentlemen, please excuse me—you are definitely not being addressed here, even though (surprise, surprise) Spanx even makes garments for you! And I don’t blame you for checking out at this time because picturing men wrestling to put on Spanx to help reduce their belly fat doesn’t appeal to me in the least!

Anyway, ladies—I bought this contraption (this was several years ago) and, because I had already chosen my outfit for this special function, I was at the point of no return as I stepped into what appeared to me to be a much-too-small pair of underpants with short legs. The arthritis in my hands had never bothered me before—most of my fingers are affected by it, but I had never experienced pain…until I started to tug and pull this unyielding item up my thunder thighs. I was all ready otherwise—makeup carefully applied, hair coiffed, watch and earrings on—so I had less than 10 minutes before I had to jump into my car and be off. Holy moley! I jumped up and down while I wondered if I had purchased the wrong size. I hadn’t—it was in fact Size Large. Has there ever been a slimming garment in a smaller size? I mean, if you wear a Size Small why are you bothering with it?

I finally got the thing on. The legs in this garment came half-way down my thighs, and I was able to comfortably slip into my very stylish slacks. Oh, yes—this was good! I put on my shoes, grabbed my purse, and out the door I flew. So far, so good. Reached my destination and crossed the parking lot to the entrance where the luncheon festivities were getting started—long walk, but no problem. I pictured myself pencil-thin in my girdle panty and I was feeling great—those extra pounds that took so much trouble to lose just disappeared with this thing on!

Two hours later, I had lost the feeling in one leg. Honestly. I remember getting up from the table to chat with a friend I had spotted across the room and realized one of the legs on the panty girdle had rolled up as far as it possibly could, cutting off the circulation. So, I made a quick detour to the ladies room and fixed it—fixed both legs, actually, because the other panty leg was on its way up also. Of course, that was only a quick fix. I had to return to the ladies room one more time that afternoon—just to readjust.

By the time I had returned to the safety of my bedroom many hours later, getting that thing off was my number one concern. I may have worn it one more time, knowing I could duck out for adjustments easily—but I had to select my occasions to wear it. I later threw it away.

So, now back to Costco and me with my full cart staring at packages of Spanx. Did I wish to try again? Perhaps Spanx has resolved the ride-up problem on the panty girdle. You don’t get to try things on in Costco, so I would have to fork over approximately $30 to find out—and risk standing in the return line with my opened package of Spanx. Don’t know about you, but sometimes as I push my cart towards the exit door, my receipt in hand to be checked off, I glance at the return line to see what didn’t work for others (and make a mental note to think twice about purchasing the same thing). She’s returning Spanx?? So, I replaced the Spanx package and got in line without it.

And then later that week I watched one of my favorite television shows, Hot In Cleveland. This episode was Sisterhood of the Traveling Spanx. Positively hilarious! Please watch this show—you can go to the web site and watch it from your computer (just Google it). And then, would someone please let me know if Spanx really works?